Reaction to 13 Reasons Why Season 1

13 Reasons Why does not glamorize suicide.  It illustrates the pain and struggles that teenagers may face.  These are challenges that many of us may have faced in our lifetimes.  These important topics include: friendship, suicide, sexual assault, substance use, stalking, sexuality, and bullying. 

I was hesitant to watch this series.  I knew I could have a strong reaction. I had talked with friends about it and got fired up enough just hearing their reactions.  I want to make it clear that my reactions here are my own. They are based on my personal and professional experiences.  That’s how we all make meaning of things including television shows.  I haven’t yet read any of the articles by other professionals because I wanted to form my own opinion first. 

I invite all of you who have either already watched this show or who are thinking about watching it to take a moment and reflect on what it may bring up for you.  There’s a chance that a character may remind you of someone you know or a situation may remind you of something that has happened in your own life.  How will that impact the conclusions you draw about these characters?

One comment that I have heard some say is that Hannah put herself in a lot of bad situations.  I don’t agree.  Hannah was a teenage girl trying to navigate the challenges of adolescents in high school.  There is no guidebook for this.  We all do the best we can and if we are lucky we make it through relatively unscathed.  Hannah was not able to do that.  One thing after another happened.  How much can a person take?  Hannah shares her 13 reasons why she died by suicide so that we can better understand her story. 

I’ve heard some people say that suicide is a selfish act.  Is it really though?  Someone is in so much pain and they just want it to stop.  Hannah mentioned feeling like she was a burden on others.  Maybe in her mind she thought she was doing people a favor.  People in pain may not see things clearly.  Everything is taken over by the darkness or the numbness.  It feels like suicide is the only choice.  It isn’t, but it feels that way.

Several years ago, I was at a suicide prevention summit in Colorado.  One of the talks included video interviews with individuals who survived suicide attempts.  They each shared how after they attempted, they realized they actually did want to live.  Some shared how if one thing had gone different that day, maybe they wouldn’t have attempted.  I’ll never forget those stories.  Kevin’s was one of them.

Suicide is one of the most preventable causes of death.  IF we know the person is struggling AND we connect them to support.  If you have lost someone to suicide, I don’t want you to think I’m blaming you or saying that you should have done something.  You didn’t know what you didn’t know. 

While watching 13 Reasons Why, I had a whole range of reactions and emotions.  There were moments I was yelling at the TV, moments I cringed at statements made or questions asked, moments I hid my eyes and couldn’t watch, and moments I was in tears.  There were so many opportunities for Hannah’s story to change, for the story of all of these teenagers and adults to change.  They didn’t know what they didn’t know. 

Where does the responsibility lie? We need to be changing the conversations that we are having with our youth.  We need to be having the important conversations.  It is our responsibility.  The conversations may be scary or uncomfortable at times but these conversations will save lives. 

While working at WPI, I had the privilege to be part of two grants that helped to support these conversations.  The first was a suicide prevention grant.  This grant helped the Director of the SDCC, Charlie Morse, to develop the Student Support Network.  This six week training program teaches students about mental health struggles, how to support a friend, and how to connect them to resources.  The second grant was to reduce dating and sexual violence on campus.  Both of these grants provided information, led to important conversation, discussed bystander intervention, and helped make resources available (and known about). In my High School, we had the Yellow Ribbon Project for suicide prevention and the Yellow Dress to discuss dating violence.  What is it about the color yellow?  These are just some examples of how to start conversations.  We need to have these and many more (we needed even more back then, but it was a start).  Social media and cell phones have increased the pressure on teens.  When I was in school, when we went home for the night we got a reprieve from these pressures, but kids today don’t. 

High School can be a challenging time.  I think many of us can identify with one if not more of the characters in 13 Reasons Why.  Maybe we also struggled to find our place socially.  Maybe we felt pressure to be the star athlete.  Maybe we were labeled the school slut or a loser.  Maybe we were bullied.  Maybe we were the bully.  Maybe we were all of these and more at different points or maybe just one for a small time.  The fact of the matter is that we can relate.  That’s likely why this show has become so popular.  It speaks about things we don’t always know how to speak about. 

No, 13 Reasons Why does not glamorize suicide.  It holds up a mirror for us to see all the ugly painful challenges that face youth.  We have a choice.  Do we continue to hold secrets and avoid important conversations?  Do we take this opportunity to stop and have some potentially hard conversations?  If you have a young person in your life that has watched this show, I encourage you to sit down and dialogue about it.  Even as adults there are things to be gained by talking to each other about the different issues that this show addresses.  If we don’t, this is a missed opportunity. It’s time to acknowledge our own fears and pain, to acknowledge the pain and struggles of others, to support one another, and to talk about what we can do to change.  Things can get better.  They do get better.  We know this when we live long enough to see it.

“Step one, you say we need to talk
He walks, you say sit down, it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left, and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life”

— How To Save A Life, The Fray

If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, know that there is hope. Reach out for 24/7 Support. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-TALK, San Diego Access & Crisis Line 888-724-7240, and the Crisis Text Line - Text CONNECT to 741741

For additional resources on how to talk about 13 Reasons Why, see the Suicide Prevention Resource Center.

This blog reflects just some of my reactions to Season 1. There is much much more I could say. I invite you to respond with your reactions in the comments. Let's continue this important dialogue. Next, I'm off to start Season 2. More reflections to come after. 

The Darkness

The darkness can feel like being hit by a wave of emotion - exhaustion, despair, and sadness.  The more you fight it, the stronger it gets and the more it pulls on you. When you just let go and fall with it, things get even darker. How do you find your way out of the dark to the light?

Mental health struggles are real. They can be painful. You may feel alone.  In some of the darkest times, you may feel like something is “wrong” with you to the core. There may be thoughts of suicide.

There is hope though.  You may feel alone, but you don't have to be.  Reach out for support. It could come from a friend or family member. It could come from a therapist, a doctor, or another professional.  People care about you.  They want to help. There are people that you haven't even met yet that care and want to help. 

When we open up and talk about our struggles, it may feel strange at first.  We aren’t sure how people will react.  When we talk to people in our personal lives, we may fear that if they knew the truth about our pain, then they will “know” that there’s something “wrong” with us.  Then, they may leave or reject us.  Often times though, when we open up, when we allow people to truly see us, we allow for a true, genuine, connection to happen.  By sharing about our experience, we are making others more comfortable to share about their own.  

We live in a world of airbrush, photoshop, and snapchat filters.  People find ways to alter how they present themselves to the world in hopes of being “perfect.”  Why do we do this?  Maybe it’s because we all have a similar core fear.  There’s something “wrong” with me that makes me “unloveable.”  We don’t realize that the people around us may have similar fears and struggles.  We may think others have found the secret of how to live the perfect happy life. It only looks like they are a duck sitting on water cool, calm, and collected.  The reality is, that duck’s legs are moving fast to stay afloat too. Other people have struggles that they may not be talking about. 

What would happen if we just stopped using those filters?  What if we stopped trying to always cover up the pain and the self doubt that we feel inside.  What if, we got real?  What if, we let people in and let them see the true us – flaws and all.  We all have them.  We all have experienced darkness at some point.  Our darkness may not be the same. We all have our unique stories and our darkness may be influenced by different things.  But we can relate to the emotions and thoughts.  We can support one another.

When we share the truth of who we are, where we have been, and how we feel, we can begin to truly connect.  We can begin to heal.  We are not meant to go through life alone.  We need other people.  We deserve that support.  Through support of friends and professionals we can learn to ride those waves of darkness.  Our supports are there to give us light, even when we can’t see the light ourselves.  There is hope. People care. It gets better. 

May is Mental Heath Awareness Month.  If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, know that there is hope. Reach out for 24/7 Support. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-TALK, San Diego Access & Crisis Line 888-724-7240, and the Crisis Text Line - Text CONNECT to 741741

“I got all I need when I got you and I
I look around me, and see a sweet life
I’m stuck in the dark but you’re my flashlight
You’re getting me, getting me through the night
”

— Jessie J, Flashlight

The Road to Survivor

If someone breaks into your house and you no longer feel safe, you have options. You could install a security system or even move to a new house.  When someone breaks into your body, you don’t have the same options.  Sexual assault and rape is often about power and control. It can leave someone questioning their safety in the world. They also may question their worth and have fears of being “damaged.” 

How can a person who has been through this type of trauma begin to heal? Two important factors in healing are support and choice. This includes taking care of physical health, connecting to support, and making a decision of what to do next.  Reporting and taking legal action is a very personal choice.  When this type of a crime is committed the person doesn't have control.  Being empowered to make this personal choice is an important step in recovery. 

After a Sexual Assault or Rape - These are options. The first two I encourage all survivors to do. 

1. Seek medical care as soon as you can.  A physical exam will help determine if there are injuries that need to be treated. Even if there are no visible injuries, there may be internal injuries.  A medical professional can discuss with you the possible risk of sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy.  Preventative measures can be taken.  You have the option of having a rape kit done.  This kit makes it possible to collect physical evidence, which may be helpful if you make the choice to pursue legal action.  I encourage calling the medical facility in advance to make sure there is someone there who is trained to do the kit. They may also be able to arrange for an advocate to meet you there who can help explain your options.  Ideally, seek medical care immediately, however, a rape kit can be collected for up to 5 days after the event.  If possible bring the clothes you were wearing at the time of the incident with you in a paper bag.

2. Get support.  Find someone you are comfortable talking to about what happened.  It could be a friend or family member.  It could be a professional like a rape crisis counselor, an advocate, or a therapist.  Maybe it’s a mentor, a coach, a teacher, or a spiritual/religious leader.  Have multiple sources of support.

3. Take steps to pursue criminal charges.  Report what happened to the police.  Share as many details as you remember about the incident and the perpetrator.

4. If you are in school, you can take steps judicially.  Report what happened to your school’s Title IX Coordinator, Campus Police, or Dean of Students Office.  Different campuses may have different resources and procedures.  If you aren’t sure what you want to do yet, you may want to speak confidentially to your school’s counseling or health services staff so that they can help outline your options. 

5. Take steps to pursue civil charges against the perpetrator.  The burden of proof and the role of the victim are different in a civil case than in a criminal case.  For more information, see the websites for Victims of Crime and Victims Right Law Center.

6. Do nothing or do nothing for now.  You get to choose what’s right for you

What helps someone get to the place where they view themself as a survivor?  Being empowered to make the best personal choice of what to do is one thing.  The other key factor is having support.  Having people who are there whether you want to talk, cry, yell, or sit in silence.  To anyone who has ever or who may in the future support someone after an assault or rape, I want you to know that to support someone you just need to A. be there and B. believe the person. 

Friends are amazing.  Sometimes we can support someone without saying a word.  It might be a small gesture like reaching out to hold someone’s hand when you notice her mind is elsewhere while everyone else is chatting away.  Some friends are there with a box of tissues and comfort food for a good talk or cry.  Some friends call every year on an anniversary to check and see how you’re doing.  There are many different ways to be a friend to someone who is healing.  Whatever type of support you offer, remember that being there is making a difference in your friend’s recovery. Thank you. 

There is no right or wrong way to react after experiencing a sexual assault or rape.  There may be changes in behavior, emotions, thought process, and more.  There may not be.  Everyone is different.  People choose to cope or to not cope in all sorts of ways. There’s no set timeline for the healing process.  What that healing looks like may change at different points in a person’s life.  But it is possible to heal.  It is possible to find your way back to yourself. Though who that person is may change a bit. 

Some people find their way to healing by taking steps towards bringing their perpetrator to justice.  Some find it through exercise and self-defense classes.  Some people become involved in educating others or become advocates for other survivors.  Some may speak at events to bring awareness to this topic.  Some people become really amazing friends to others who go through similar experiences.  There are many possibilities.

You get to choose what it means to you to be a survivor.  Only you really know where you are on your healing journey.  But know that you don’t have to be in it alone.  After a sexual assault or a rape it may feel that way at first.  It may feel like there was an invasion to your home and you may feel vulnerable.  Your house isn’t the only one on the street though.  You are part of a community and you have neighbors (i.e. friends, law enforcement, counselors) who can help make your home feel safe again. 

Worcester Polytechnic Institute Student Development & Counseling Center Staff at Take Back the Night 2010

“I’m not a stranger to the dark
hide away, they say
‘cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are…
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me
and I know that I deserve your love
‘cause there’s nothing I’m not worthy of
”

— This Is Me, The Greatest Showman

This is the third in my series of blogs for Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month 2018. If you have been impacted by sexual violence and need support call the National Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673). If you are in San Diego, call the Center for Community Solutions 888-385-4657. These three blogs were meant to be an introduction and an overview. There will be more blogs on this topic in the future. There's a lot I could write about. If there are specific things you want to learn more about please let me know in the comments.

Wanna Make Out?

I remember my first time.  There was a look exchanged, a smile… In my head I’m excitedly thinking, “Is this really going to happen?” Then there’s a kiss, a touch…and then IT’S HAPPENING. As I type this, Meatloaf’s song Paradise by the Dashboard Light is going through my head.  

What is consent? How do we know we have consent for sex?  It could look something like this….

That’s one of my favorite clips that we showed when teaching college students about consent back when I worked in higher education.  It’s hilarious and memorable.  That’s the point!  In reality consent doesn’t exactly happen like that.  I’ve never had a lawyer show up in the bedroom. But what stops us from having these conversations to be clear about what we are hoping to do and make sure that is also what our partner wants to do?  Maybe it’s because the sex education we had in school looked something like this… 

For some of us this may not be too far from the truth.  Why was it so often that the gym teacher also taught health?  What I remember the most from that class was the gym teacher showing us how to put a condom on a banana and learning about STDs.  As Coach Carr said if you have sex “you will get Chlamydia and die”.  To say that sex education was lacking a lot of key information is an understatement. 

Fast forward to college… I miss college.  The freedom. Living with your closest friends.  Studying things you are excited about.  The concerts, sports, activities, and the parties… My roommates and I had what we called “morning reflection.” We would gather in our living room and discuss what happened the previous night.  Sometimes those conversations would include who hooked up with whom.  Sometimes the stories were shared with excitement, but sometimes there was a different feeling, a yucky feeling.  I’m not talking about regret or instances of “beer goggles.”  We began to identify who was “shady” and who you had to be careful of because they might try to give you lots of alcohol and make a move. 

When I was in college (and it wasn’t THAT long ago), we didn’t have the language to talk about sexual assault.  It wasn’t until years later when I became a therapist and an educator that it clicked. That person wasn’t just “shady” they were a sexual predator.  That yucky feeling was because what happened was sexual assault or rape. 

These events, these crimes, don’t just happen on our school campuses or when we are a certain age.  They happen at social events or when we are out with friends or even in our own homes.  It’s usually not a creepy stranger that suddenly jumps out of the bushes or an ally to attack us.  That’s what I thought a rapist was when I was younger.  The reality is that often times it’s someone we know. 

Every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted.

1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime.

Women ages 18-24 who are college students are 3 times more likely than women in general to experience sexual violence.  Females of the same age who are not enrolled in college are 4 times more likely

About 3% of American men – 1 in 33 – have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.

21% of TGQN (transgender, genderqueer, nonconforming) college students have been sexually assaulted.

55% of sexual assaults occur at or near the victim’s home and 12% at or near a relative’s home.

7 out of 10 rapes are committed by someone known to the victim.

Of sexual abuse cases reported to law enforcement, 93% of juvenile victims knew the perpetrator – 59% were acquaintances, 34% were family members, 7% were strangers to the victim.

For these and more statistics see www.rainn.org

When I finally had the language to talk about sexual violence, I talked a lot.  Events from the past suddenly became clear and there was some relief in being able to clearly identify what had happen.  I loved working on a college campus that was taking a stance to prevent sexual violence on campus by having discussions about consent, bystander intervention, and how to support someone if they experience a sexual assault or rape.  When speaking with friends, I was shocked at how many others had experienced similar situations.  I would think to myself, “why don’t we talk about this more.” The answer is often because of the shame and victim blaming that can happen. 

We have all heard statements like – if you weren’t wearing that, if you didn’t drink, if you didn’t go to his apartment…. I think we try to make sense of events that don’t make sense.  We try to think of what could be done to prevent ourselves from ever being the victim of sexual violence.  We want to be in control.  The reality of sexual violence is that someone has taken away our control and our power.  We should be able to run around stark naked with a drink in hand and not have to worry about being sexually violated.  We would probably get arrested for public nudity and public intoxication.  BUT we should not have to worry about being raped.  

After the sexual misconduct story involving Aziz Ansari appeared in the news, one of my college roommates sent me a text asking what I thought.  She said she liked him as an actor/comedian and wasn’t sure what to think.  My response started with that I wasn’t there so I don’t know all the facts of what happened.  The articles that I read made it sound like Aziz thought his date was interested in sex because of non-verbal cues.  When he reached out to her later, he learned that was not what she wanted. Her experience of the night was very different than his.  He had no idea that was her experience and he expressed feeling awful.  I have compassion for Aziz.  It’s hard to read non-verbals.  This is why we need to have the conversation.  There needs to be verbal consent. 

Why don’t we always have these conversations?  I have heard some say that it will ruin the mood.  Please (insert eye roll emoji).  I remember instances of having the conversation with potential partners.  They went something like “Do you want to have sex?  I think we should maybe have sex. Do you want to?” Then when the answer was yes, hallelujah was there excitement and those clothes could not come off fast enough.  If anything knowing with certainty that a partner does want to have sex increases the thrill because we KNOW it’s going to happen.  See, we don’t want to operate on assumptions. To quote a former colleague, we want “an Enthusiastic HELL YES!!!” If you want to take your sexual experience to the next level, ask what exactly what your partner wants to do sexually.  You never know unless you ask AND you could be pleasantly surprised to know something is on the table that you wouldn’t have thought of.

Finally, we are having conversations about consent.  Thank you Joe Biden for champion the Obama administration’s “It’s on us” campaign to end sexual assault on campus and in the workplace.  Bystander intervention and consent is often a part of new student orientation at college campuses.  I hope more high schools and middle schools are having similar dialogues.  I hope more parents are having conversation with their children about sex and respect.  Abstinence only education does not work.  Yes teach your children about values whether they are influenced by your spiritual beliefs or family morals.  But also, teach them the facts, how to stay safe, and what consent is.  Let them make their own informed decisions and let them know that whatever happens they can come talk to you. 

A lot has happened since my first time.  I’m no longer meeting guys at parties or at the bar for one.  My typical Friday night includes pizza and a movie at home on the couch with my husband and our dogs.  There may be a look exchanged or a smile.  Then, I’ll say to my husband “wanna make out?” He’ll scoot over and I’ll giggle.  Then suddenly Marvin Gaye’s song Let’s Get It On will start playing in my head…. 

This is the second in my series of blogs for Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. If you have been impacted by sexual violence and need support call the National Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673). If you are in San Diego, call the Center for Community Solutions 888-385-4657.

Healing from Trauma

What is trauma? When people hear the word trauma they may think of PTSD. That can then make them think of “Big T” traumas including combat, rape, natural disasters, and near death experience. There are also “Small T” traumas. These are smaller “everyday” or less pronounced events and may include bullying, neglect, difficult relationships, and loss. Now I need to say using terms like “big” and “little” in reference to the type of trauma gives me mixed feelings.  Depending on the individual circumstances, any of the “Small Ts” I mentioned could be a “Big T.” I do like that describing trauma this way opens the door for people to recognize a multitude of events as traumatic – because they can be. However, I don’t like that it inadvertently has us quantify these events.  This is something that we may do automatically. “What I went through wasn’t ‘bad enough’ to be considered trauma.” “Other people have experienced worse.” Trauma is trauma. It leaves a mark. Sometimes it impacts us immediately and sometimes we don’t even realize its impact until later in life. 

Experiencing a trauma also does not automatically mean we have PTSD.

The mark left by events that we have experienced doesn’t mean that we are “damaged” or “broken”. It is possible to heal. It is possible to turn that experience into something that makes us even stronger. Things may get harder while we are doing the work. It can be similar to when we clean a cut or a scrapped knee.  It stings while we clean the wound. I often use this metaphor to explain what therapy can be like for clients. 

How do we heal? The specifics of how to start may depend on the event. It’s important for the person to re-establish safety.  When a person has been impacted by trauma they may feel unsafe in their body and in relationships.  A person may need medical care. They may need to physically get to a safer place and in contact with supportive people. 

To heal we need to reconnect to our body.  See, our system has this fabulous coping skill of disassociation. We all do it. Have you ever zoned out? Have you ever been driving somewhere then poof you’re there and barely realize the time went by?  These are just a couple every day examples.  There are many ways we dissociate. Another example is when a person feels like they are outside of their body watching themself.  Also, sometimes when someone is experiencing trauma their system checks them out  (it’s almost like they aren’t even there) in efforts to protect them from feeling and thinking everything associated with what’s happening.  Sometimes our system gets so good at doing this that it happens all the time…. Sometimes when we don’t want or need it to.  That’s why we need to find a way to get back in our bodies.  Some of the ways we can do this are through meditation, grounding exercises, and physical exercises like yoga or cardio. 

To heal from trauma we need to find a way to make sense of it and process what happened. Two amazing therapeutic approaches that I use with my clients are EMDR and IFS.  These are both evidence-based practices.  Research has shown that they work.  But for me it’s more than just the research that makes me believe in them.  I’ve seen it work with clients that I’ve supported in therapy.  Additionally, I experienced my own healing through EMDR and IFS when I was the client on the couch.  Next, I’m going to share a bit about these approaches to explain how they help individuals heal from trauma.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a form of psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of trauma.  When a traumatic event happens that memory can get stuck.  All the emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations we had got stuck in time.  When that memory is triggered we can get flooded with emotions and get overwhelmed.  It’s almost like it’s happening again. EMDR helps an individual to process what has happened so that the person is in a more balanced state and grounded in the present.  When the person thinks of the event, it’s a memory that doesn’t overwhelm them.  There isn’t the same charge. 

IFS (Internal Family Systems) is a form of therapy that uses the language of “parts” as a working metaphor for our internal experiences.  We use this language every day.  After a stressful day, part of me wants to go workout and part of me really just wants to go to DQ and get a soft serve.  We all have parts.  Our different parts are trying to help us out.  Sometimes they are helpful and sometimes they get stuck in roles that aren’t helpful.  Maybe we have a people pleaser part that is often sacrificing our own needs to make sure people around us are happy.  Maybe we have a part that believes the quickest way to deal with feeling overwhelmed is to drink a bottle of wine or get high.  These parts are doing what they think is best to help protect a part that feels vulnerable. This part may feel unworthy of love.  Once we get to know our parts we can work creatively to help them find new healthy ways of helping us out.  We can help transform that vulnerable part. 

What I love about both EMDR and IFS is that they help us get to a place of deeper healing.  There are many types of therapy that can help us learn about ourselves and gain helpful skills.  Some tools only take us so far though.  We don’t just want to put a Band-Aid on a wound so that it doesn’t get dirty or infected.  We want to no longer NEED the Band-Aid because the wound has HEALED. 

“Scars and stitches always fade
and only strengthen me. ”

— Guster

Thank you for taking the time to read my first blog.  Please feel free to leave a comment.  Let me know if you relate or if you have questions.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness & Prevention Month.  This is a topic that I’m passionate about.  It’s why I’ve decided to start blogging at this specific time.  My intention is to do a series of blogs this month related to the topic of Sexual Assault.