Excited to share this recent feature in San Diego Voyager. This publication highlights local entrepreneurs. 😊
https://sdvoyager.com/interview/meet-erica-thompson-of-erica-thompson-lmft-lpcc/
IFS featured on “We Can Do Hard Things” Podcast
I get so excited when therapeutic modalities that I love and practice are getting publicity. It means that a wider audience can experience the benefits that I have experienced both personally and professionally. A popular podcast recently highlighted Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS). The “We Can Do Hard Things” Podcast with Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle had guest Richard (Dick) Schwartz, the Founder of IFS, on for two episodes. The episodes included on air IFS sessions with Dick. It gives listeners a taste of the powerful work that can happen with IFS.
One of the reasons I love IFS is that it’s non-pathologizing. There are no bad parts. Sometimes there’s a part (ie people pleaser, substance user, perfectionist…) that may be stuck in an extreme role, but ultimately it’s trying to help you. When we get to know the part, we can understand it more and we can help it get into its preferred role. Often times, these parts are trying to protect us from feeling a vulnerability, a core wound, an exiled part (ie i’m not lovable, the world isn’t safe…). Our parts are often frozen in time. When we get to know them, we realize how young they are and how young they think we are. We don’t just have an inner child. We have many “inner children”. With IFS we can help them know that they are not alone. They don’t have to take the driver seat. They have us.
With IFS we can become more Self Led. We all have an inner wisdom. Self is calm, curious, compassionate, clear, confident, courageous, creative, and connected. Our parts have access to this self energy, but sometimes they don’t know that they do. Through IFS therapy and getting to know our internal world we can build that relationship. Our Self can be in the driver seat more.
These two episodes of “We Can Do Hard Things” help to give a better sense of what IFS therapy involves. If you’re ready to begin the journey of building the relationship with your internal system, contact me to set up an appointment. I look forward to working with you.
Inside an Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy Session with Glennon & Richard C. Schwartz
Abby & Amanda’s IFS Therapy Sessions with Richard Schwartz: Why We Do What We Don’t Want to Do
Feature in Canvas Rebel
It was a pleasure working with Canvas Rebel on this recent feature.
ShoutoutSoCal Interview: Work Life Balance
What is work life balance? Is there such thing? I was approached by ShoutoutSoCal to explore this question. Read the interview below. I want to explore this topic further here. My definition of work life balance has certainly shifted throughout my career. What this balance looks like will differ from person to person.
In the interview I describe what work life balance means to me today. It didn’t always look this way. My career began in higher education and working in that field is a lifestyle. Work can often go into nights and weekends for programming. Your colleagues often become your close friends. You have similar schedules and often spend time off together. It’s not uncommon for work related conversations to happen at nights out. There isn’t always a clear boundary between “work” and “life” because again it is a lifestyle. I loved every second of it (at least the vast majority). There are other fields that I’ve heard have similar lifestyles when work and personal blurs. For me, it was important to have self care like exercise, vacations with friends, and other adventures when we did have time off. People who don’t work in your same field when it’s this type of a lifestyle career, don’t always understand it. Those relationships may have some bumps along the way as a result. They’re important though, because they remind you that there is more to life than your career.
The initial years of working as a therapist I spent working in community mental health. It’s not uncommon for those jobs to have high productivity expectations, not great benefits, and high burnout. It’s also some of the most amazing training you can have in the field. I am so grateful for my years spent there. It helped give me confidence working with a wide range of client presentations, working with managed care, and crisis management. I truly think every therapist should spend time working in this setting. There are those that make an entire career out of it. I give them major props.
I am grateful for every professional experience I have had. They helped get me to where I am today. Now I am a small business owner and self employed. That was a scary and welcomed transition. Now it’s totally up to me to make sure that I have that work life balance. I can’t blame anyone else when I start to feel burnt out. I can be the best boss I’ve ever had, or I can be the worse. Luckily, I connected to business coaches and a community of private practice therapist when starting my practice that helped support me in starting this journey on the right foot. From day one, I planned my schedule with my “perfect day” in mind.
Not everyone can or even wants to become self employed. That’s totally ok. There are certainly pros and cons to it. You don’t need to be self employed to find this balance. I know some people that have found it harder to find the balance now that they’re their own boss. Everyone can make steps towards finding greater work life balance. I want to name some of the challenges that many face when thinking about making adjustments so that they may have greater work life balance: family responsibilities, financial responsibilities, and employer expectations.
How to Begin Taking Steps Towards Greater Work Life Balance:
Write down your top 5 personal values. If you’re having trouble getting started google “personal core values” and you’ll find many lists. Once you identify your top values try to come up with about 3 activities that you enjoy that help you to connect to those values.
Then take out a schedule or calendar. Start by looking at your hourly schedule for a week. Block of the things that are consistent (eg work hours). Then add the other activities you are involved in. Make note of which ones are connected to the values you’ve identified. Then notice if there is free time and think about how you might spend that time. For the record, relaxation can absolutely be a core value or something you schedule on the calendar. We don’t need to over schedule every hour of every day. The purpose of this exercise is to notice how you are incorporating those values into your weekly lives. Then after you look at your average week, look at the month or yearly calendars. How do your values fit in there? There may be certain seasons when we can connect to certain values. Are there any changes that you want to make? What would need to happen for that to be possible?
When we connect to our values regularly it helps to refill our cup. It helps us to achieve greater work life balance. It leads to greater life satisfaction.
What work life balance means to us can change at different stages of our lives. Early in our career it will look very different than later. As changes happen throughout our lives (ie new job, new relationship, new pet, having children), it is important to reassess what work life balance now means to you. Make adjustments when you can to help you connect to those values more.
Work life balance is possible. It’s also not an either you have it or you don’t. There are degrees of work life balance. What this looks like is different from person to person. I am grateful that being in private practice contributed to me finding greater work life balance. I’m also looking towards the future and considering what changes I may want to make as life circumstances change.
How do you feel about your current work life balance? Are there adjustments you want to make? If so, what’s one thing that you can do to bring you closer to that balance?
Movie Reflection: Promising Young Woman
Have you seen Promising Young Woman yet? I highly recommend, especially if you know survivors of sexual violence… and I guarantee you know more than you even realize. This movie looks at the long term effects that these crimes may have on all involved including the survivors, their loved ones, perpetrators, and bystanders when there is victim blaming & minimization of the crime. It is a new take on revenge and so well done. I’m not surprised that it has been nominated for several awards.
There is so much I could comment on, but I don’t want to give anything away to those who haven’t seen the movie yet. I’m going to try to limit my comments to what’s clear from previews.
This movie does an amazing job showing how years after an event, it still has a large hold on a survivor’s loved ones. And, not so surprisingly, it has had zero or little impact on the lives of the perpetrator and all of the bystanders who were there at the time. Trauma leaves a mark that doesn’t ever fully leave. How we hold our trauma can shift, but it’s still there. The trauma is not just held by the person it happened to. Their loved ones may also have lives forever changed.
This movie illustrates some hard truths (though inaccurate) of how society still views sexual assault and rape. For the record, both survivors and perpetrators can be any gender. In this blog, I am going to use women to refer to survivors and men as perpetrators because that is what is portrayed in this movie. Furthermore, a majority of these crimes involve women as victims/survivors and men as perpetrators. The inaccurate beliefs and statements shown in the movie include:
Women who drink are “putting themselves in danger.” This implies it’s their fault. This is one of the many ways society victim blames.
If other people don’t believe her, then it must not have happened. She “cried wolf.”
“We were kids.” Sounds kind of like “boys will be boys.”
We need to give him “the benefit of the doubt.”
It’s “every guys worse fear to be accused.”
These are just the ones mentioned in the preview. Yikes, where to start?
These crimes are hardly reported anywhere near the number of how often it happens. Survivors have many reasons why they may choose not to report. It’s a personal decision and making that choice is part of a survivor’s healing process. Their choice was taken away during the crime. This movie shows an example of how even when the crime is reported, there isn’t always a consequence. In fact, sometimes things may get worse for the person who reported it and it may get worse for their loved ones. Yes even after surviving being a victim of sexual assault or rape things can still get harder. They get harder when people don’t believe. They get harder when there isn’t justice. Sometimes the things that happen while trying to get justice cause further trauma. To see another example, checkout the amazing Netflix series Unbelievable.
It’s interesting that when there is a sexual assault or rape and the woman is drinking she is somehow seen as more responsible, but if the man who assaulted or raped her is drinking, he is sometimes seen as less responsible. Being drunk is not an invitation for sex. It’s also interesting that just because someone is known to like having sex, it’s also assumed that they are always open to having sex and with anyone. Past sex is not an invitation either.
Why do we give him the benefit of the doubt, but not give her the benefit of the doubt? Also, just because someone doesn’t believe a survivor, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Same thing is true if a detective doesn’t investigate, if a DA chooses not to prosecute, or if a judge or a jury doesn’t find him guilty. None of these things mean that the crime didn’t happen.
Crimes of sexual violence are crimes when it’s the survivor’s job to prove that it happened. The person is a witness in the case that they were the victim in. It’s the defenses job to discredit them and their trauma. How f’d up is that?! They are put under the microscope and any possible quality or behavior that makes them an imperfect witness could lead them to not having justice for the crime that was committed against them. The system is flawed. It’s no wonder that some survivors choose not to take legal action.
These accusations may be “he said she said.” He’s “innocent until proven guilty.” But who benefits and who loses when we look at them this way? Who faces the consequences? Saying “we don’t want to ruin his life” also seems to be saying that his life is more important than hers. Because the survivors of these crimes live with the trauma of what happened to them, the trauma of not getting justice, and the trauma of how people treated them after the fact. Many areas of their lives including mental health and social relationships may be impacted.
When it’s said in the movie “it’s every guys worse nightmare being accused” the response is perfect. Women are taught from a very young age so many things that they need to do to protect themselves (ie watch your drink, hold your keys in your hand just so, stay together, check the backseat when you get in the car…). Do men do any of those things? Furthermore, it’s really not that hard to not be accused of sexual assault or rape. Don’t sexually assault or rape. Always be sure you have enthusiastic consent.
It’s clear from the preview that this movie is about revenge. Whether you have survived this type of a crime or you know someone who has, there will likely be a piece of you cheering on the main character. You may even have the thought “why didn’t I think of that” or you may wish someone you knew had. It’s a bit empowering and inspiring. It’s also heartbreaking. It’s also infuriating. It’s such a well done movie. It’s one that you’ll be thinking about long past when the credits end. Highly highly recommend. Also, I recommend having someone you can process it with.
Trauma, in this movie the trauma of rape, lasts far longer than the time of the event itself. It lasts longer than the court case. It lasts longer than the short sentence (if there is even one at all) when there is a conviction. Survivors and their loved ones deserve support. They deserve to be believed. Their stories need to be taken seriously. They should be empowered to make whatever choice is right for them as far as if they want to take legal action (criminally or civilly) or judicially if they are a student. They should be empowered to tell whoever they want to tell when they are ready. It’s their choice. They should be connected to professional support. Survivors need it and so do their loved ones.
Healing is possible. Even when a person does heal through professional support, they are still impacted by the trauma of their past. Sometimes it may be something in current events that trigger a memory. Sometimes it’s a movie or a tv show. Sometimes they learn about a similar crime happening to someone they care about. Sometimes it’s the anniversary of the event. They always remember. Their body always remembers. The event, the crime, is a piece of their story forever. What that means to them will shift through their healing journey.
I say this because I want readers to remember it both when watching this movie and after. If you know someone who is a survivor, don’t hesitate to reach out to them to check in. Say you were thinking of them and wanted to ask how they are doing today and in regards to their past trauma. You can even say that you watched this movie, that it made you think of them and want to reach out to see how they are to give context. You’re loved one will appreciate that you thought of them and that you reached out to show you cared. They may keep their response brief or they may be open to talking more. If you are a survivor watching this movie, have someone you can watch with for support or someone that you can check in with after if you want to talk. You may want to journal after or have a plan for self care after. The movie will bring up thoughts or emotions and it could be beneficial to have a plan for how to process them.
We all know someone who is a survivor of sexual assault or rape. We all know many survivors. Promising Young Woman does an amazing job showing the long term impact that these crimes have on all people involved. Watching it and having conversations about it can help survivors know that people care. All of these conversations can lead to ending the inaccurate views society still has about sexual assault and rape. Even if you don’t think you know someone who is a survivor, check this movie out. Think about it. Talk about it. I guarantee you know survivors. When they hear you speaking in a supportive and compassionate way, they will know that you are a person that they can talk to in the future if and when they choose to do so.
There is so so much more that I could say about this movie. I don’t want to give spoilers away. If you’ve watched, let me know what you thought about the movie in the comments.
If you have been impacted by sexual violence and need support call the National Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673). If you are in San Diego, call the Center for Community Solutions 888-385-4657. Supporting Survivors of Sexual Violence is one of my passions. To schedule a consult or to inquire about availability for appointments, contact me.
Reflecting on 2020 and Starting 2021
I have not written a blog in about a year. 2020 was A LOT. So far 2021 is too. I don’t know about you, but I found myself not having as much to give. Energy felt like it was already going outward in so many directions. One of the biggest places was in simply getting through everyday tasks. The Covid19 Pandemic is something that none of us could have prepared for. There was no play book for how to balance the pressures of “stay at home”, family, careers, health concerns, changes in finances, and more.
We have been living through a collective trauma together. I made a commitment to myself early on in the pandemic to give myself grace and make an effort to practice self compassion. It was going to be ok to just do “enough” and to focus only on the things that absolutely had to be done. I would take the pressure off myself to do any of the “extras.” Blogging became one of those extras. I kept my business social media active through both Facebook and Instagram. Meeting with clients through telehealth, maintaining business social media, attending a lot of zoom calls (both professional and personal), family responsibilities, and a few other professional responsibilities became my “enough.” Writing blogs could wait.
Still… I couldn’t help but think about all of the big events that were happening in 2020. It felt like I had a responsibility to address them clinically in a blog. Then my system became totally overwhelmed because of the number of events. There was also the pressure I put on myself to write the “perfect” blog that would do them justice. I just didn’t feel like it was or would ever be possible.
I want to take this opportunity to name some of these big events and topics. I want to invite you to join me in noticing what happens within your system as you read the words. Each could have blogs dedicated to them. They all bring up many different thoughts and emotions. These events and topics include: covid19 pandemic, election year, public figures accused of sexual violence, systemic racism, corruption, antisemitism, racial injustices, virtual learning, working from home, Black Lives Matter, health care crisis, lack of accessibility to services, inequalities in various systems, alleged election fraud, riots, protests, wildfires, deaths of civil rights and equal rights icons, families separated at boarder, conspiracy theories, insurrection, division within the country, division within families, new President, first woman Vice President (and first BIPOC), and so so much more. Disclaimer that these are just a portion of the events/topics and many of these things have been happening for years. And Breathe. My system gets activated just naming them. I have to remind myself to slow down and come back to the breath. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
One thing that I do when I start to feel overwhelmed is to over-saturate myself with information. Yes, in some ways that seems totally counter indicated. Yet, it helps make my system feel better. This became one of my coping strategies for 2020. I started reading, watching, listening, and reflecting. Some of the movies that I’m still thinking about include:
The Social Dilemma (2020)
13th (2016)
American Son (2019)
Just Mercy (2019)
Unfit: The Psychology of Donald Trump (2020)
The Man Card: White Male Identity Politics from Nixon to Trump (2020)
A blog could be written on each of these. There is so much to process.
If you, like me, have something that you have been wanting to do or another challenge you’re facing, I want to offer you this invitation. Start by making that first step. Set that intention. Then notice what thoughts, emotions, and parts of you come up in response to that intention. Be curious about those and follow them to the next. Make space to acknowledge it all. It can be helpful to write it down. In IFS, we call this mapping parts. In that, there are additional prompts to consider as you continue to get to know your internal system. In CBT, we call this thought mapping. This exercise also reminds me of the brainstorming maps in creative writing classes from when I was younger.
Today, I did this exercise in an IFS training that I was a program assistant for. Here’s what came up for me when setting the intention to write a blog.
Again, this type of exercise can be helpful when you have a goal or a challenge. At the top of the paper write the intention or challenge. Then notice what different emotions/thoughts/parts it brings up. Be curious about each and notice what they bring up. Continue to follow these steps as you learn more. This exercise helps us to externalize all those thoughts and emotions that are inside our system. Putting them down on paper changes our relationship with them. We have a different perspective now that we have space. Sometimes, simply making room to acknowledge them is enough to initiate next steps. Other times, we may identify a thought/emotion/part that we need to do more work with before we can take action.
This past year has been filled with many challenges. If you focused on taking care of the day to day tasks and other goals took a backseat, that is ok. It helped get you here today. If you have a little trouble getting started when you are ready to revisit those goals, that’s ok too. You are not alone. I had that same struggle. Now here I am on Super Bowl Sunday writing a blog about it. Sometimes getting started is the hardest part. It starts with one step, and in this case, one blog.
Until next time…
Coping Strategies for COVID19 Stress
If you are feeling tired or just not yourself this is NORMAL. We are in a strange time. It is a normal reaction to stress & trauma. Be kind to yourself. Take a big deep breath of fresh air when you go outside in your yard or when you open your window. Hug your loved ones, including pets, and feel that oxytocin release. We will get through this.
Perspective Matters 💙
We are all impacted by the life changes that are happening in effort to flatten the curve of this virus spreading. It has caused changes in our schools, work, family, and social lives. More and more people are knowing someone directly impacted by a positive test for COVID19.
It is ok to admit when you’re feeling overwhelmed. You are not alone. There are people available to support you. Reach out for support when you need it. Reach out to check in on loved ones to see if they need support. We are all in this together.
I am so grateful for technology and social media at this time. Use these things to connect when it’s helpful. Also, it is ok to stop following posts and news when it becomes too much. Listen to your system and take care of yourself.
211 San Diego is a great resource for people in San Diego to connect to community, health, and disaster services. For 24/7 mental health support contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-TALK, San Diego Access & Crisis Line 888-724-7240, and the Crisis Text Line - Text CONNECT to 741741.
If you are in California and would like to schedule an appointment for telehealth contact me.
Feature in SD Voyager
Thank you to SD Voyager for the opportunity to share about my business, my professional passions, and the experiences that have gotten me to this point. 😊
Supporting Friends
Your friend hasn’t been the same lately and you’re starting to worry. Maybe you haven’t seen them in a while and they’re not very responsive to outreach. Maybe you are noticing specific behaviors that you are concerned about. You want to help but you’re not sure how.
We have all been there. When we see someone we care about struggling, we can feel helpless. We want to figure out a way to help. We wish we could “fix it.” This is a totally normal desire. When we see someone that we care about in pain, we want to help take that pain away.
Reach Out
Let your friend know you’re thinking about them. Send a text or make a phone call and ask how they have been.
Show Up
If you can stop by in person do that. It can be hard to tell how someone is really doing based on text and phone conversations alone. If you can’t be there in person, try FaceTime or another form of communication that allows you to see their face and they see yours. Be sure you have time to dedicate to a real conversation. Schedule a visit or call if needed.
Express that You Care
Tell your friend that you care about them. When we are struggling we can forget this. If there are specific behaviors you’re worried about, name them and ask. For example, I’ve noticed you haven’t been leaving the house much lately. I care a lot about you and am worried. I want you to know that I’m here for you. Is there anything you want to talk about? They may or may not respond to that. Even if they don’t, it will plant a seed so that they know you are someone that they can talk to when they’re ready.
Listen
Listen more, talk less. Give them space to vocalize whatever they need to. It’s ok to sit in silence too.
Ask How They Want to Be Supported
Ask them how they want you to show your support. They may have an idea of what they need. Sometimes we want a friend to be a sounding board while we think out loud. Sometimes we may want advice - though if they don’t ask, don’t offer it. It may be well-meaning, but it can backfire. Sometimes we need someone to brainstorm with. Sometimes we need someone to distract us and to go do something fun with. Sometimes we need someone to sit with on the couch so that we know we aren’t alone.
Give Hope
Things get better. Emotions are fleeting. Situations can change. Let them know things won’t always be this way. Let them know change is possible. Let them know that you’ll be there along the way.
Connect to Additional Supports
You don’t need to be alone in supporting your friend. There are resources for both your friend and for you. These include professional support like therapists or doctors to websites with resources and stories of inspiration to hotlines that offer 24/7 support. Let your friend know about these options. Offer to help them research if they need additional ones. Offer to go with them to an appointment or to be there to talk to after they attend an appointment.
Those first tips are so so important. Arguably, I’d say the most important. When we are struggling it can help to know someone cares and that we aren’t alone. Take the pressure off yourself to do the “right thing” or say the “right thing”. The “right thing” is simply to Be There. Show Up for your friend and let them know you care.
This graphic and clip are from a favorite children’s story. It has been floating around social media. This does a brilliant job illustrating how to support a friend.
It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore. "Hello Eeyore," said Pooh. "Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet," said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice. "We just thought we'd check in on you," said Piglet, "because we hadn't heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay." Eeyore was silent for a moment. "Am I okay?" he asked, eventually. "Well, I don't know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That's what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven't bothered you. Because you wouldn't want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now." Pooh looked at Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.
Eeyore looked at them in surprise. "What are you doing?" "We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are." "Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.
Because Pooh and Piglet were There.
No more; no less. (A.A.Milne, E.H.Shepard)
September is Suicide Prevention Month. Check in on your friends and loved ones.
For 24/7 Support contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-TALK, San Diego Access & Crisis Line 888-724-7240, and the Crisis Text Line - Text CONNECT to 741741.
If immediate safety is a concern, proceed to the nearest emergency room or call 911.
The Perpetrator Next Door
Don’t walk alone at night. Hold your keys between your fingers for protection. Stay in well lit areas. These are just some of the lessons I remember learning at a young age. Doing these things were supposed to keep us safe from being attacked, from being sexually assaulted, from being raped. Back then I thought that rapists were scary people that jumped out from bushes at night to attack.
In reality, the numbers of rapes when the perpetrator is a stranger are the minority.
8 out of 10 rapes are committed by someone known to the victim
The majority of children and teen victims know the perpetrator.
Of sexual abuse cases reported to law enforcement, 93% of juvenile victims knew the perpetrator:
59% were acquaintances
34% were family members
7% were strangers to the victim
For these and more statistics see RAINN.
There are terms like “date rape” and “acquaintance rape.” Part of me thinks that these terms water-down and minimize the crime. Part of me wonders if the intent of these terms were to illustrate that these crimes could be committed by people we know. But why come up with another term? Rape is rape. Rape is a crime.
Rape and sexual assault impact a person mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, behaviorally, and spiritually. When this crime is committed by someone known to the survivor there may be additional layers of confusion and struggle. I’ve heard some say that if it was that stranger in the bushes, it would almost be “easier” (it’s never easy) because you could avoid the person, there wouldn’t be common friends, and more. It’s almost like we think when the rape or sexual assault is committed by a stranger it’s more “clearcut” (for lack of a better word).
Some of the fears and thoughts of self doubt a survivor may have include:
I thought I could trust this person. Did I do something to mislead them?
What does this mean about me and my ability to judge who to be friends with?
If I talk about this, am I going to lose friends? Will people believe me?
My body reacted like I enjoyed it. Maybe I really wanted it. Maybe I like this person.
There must have been some kind of misunderstanding because this person wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, would they?
And more…
What if the perpetrator was someone that the survivor was in a relationship with, someone they continue a relationship with, or that they begin a relationship with after the fact? This happens. A partner may take things further than what was wanted. Maybe it was the first time. Maybe it was the 30th. When a survivor continues a relationship with the perpetrator, it may leave friends and loved ones confused.
Why would a survivor continue or begin a relationship with their abuser? Maybe the survivor is invested in the relationship and part of them finds a way to justify or rationalize what happens. Maybe they fear people won’t believe them. Maybe a part of them is struggling with shame and having victim blaming thoughts. Maybe they fear that the consequences (ie social, financial, family, career…) of ending contact would be great. Maybe they hope new memories will outweigh the traumatic event. Another reason may be related to the self blaming thoughts that can happen when the physical body reacts to sexual stimulation even when it’s unwanted. Our body reacts to sexual stimulation and it is beyond our control. What happened is still sexual assault and rape.
The survivor should be empowered to make decisions about their healing process and this includes whether they have contact with the perpetrator. The survivor may want to avoid the person. They may want to take legal and/or judicial action (if the crime involved students on a campus). The survivor may want to do nothing or do nothing for now. They may want to have a conversation with the perpetrator in hopes of an apology or an explanation. Every survivor is different. Deciding what to do next is part of survivor taking back their control.
This Ted Talk tells one story.
The first time I watched this I had a wide variety of reactions. There are some excellent points made. There are some parts that I struggled with. These events, these crimes, can be complex. Maybe we know people on both sides of the story. Different parts of us may be pulled in different directions at different times. These crimes happen and they happen between people who know each other. What happened is still sexual assault and rape.
It would be nice to think we live in a world where if we did everything “right” we could be sure that nothing terrible would ever happen. If we avoided that road at night, stuck together, and held those keys we would be safe. Rape and sexual assault can happen at our friends’ homes, in dorm rooms, at the office, and in our own bedrooms. They can happen at anytime of day and no matter what we are wearing. The perpetrator may be someone known. When these crimes happen, the perpetrator takes a person’s control away. The perpetrator is the one who is responsible. It is still sexual assault and rape.
Things don’t have to stay this way. We can change the conversation about sexual assault and rape. We can support survivors when they share their story. Survivors can heal. We can have conversations about sexual consent beginning at a young age. We can provide sexual assault prevention education and bystander intervention trainings. The person next door could be the person that helps you in your time of need.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. If you have been impacted by sexual violence and need support, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673). If you are in San Diego, call the Center for Community Solutions 888-385-4657. For more information, visit the RAINN website. Contact me to consult further on this topic or to schedule a therapy appointment.
Healing Conversations
“Too often trauma gets dismissed as just in our head, but the pain is real. We feel it in our muscles, our cells, our hearts, our heads. And while there’s no magic fix, no pill to make it disappear, we can ask for help. And we can tell our truth whenever we are ready.”
How people respond when we share our stories of trauma can have a tremendous impact on our healing. Last week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy was titled “Silent All These Years” and it did an amazing job addressing sexual and domestic violence. It followed 3 main story lines which included providing support immediately after the crime, conversations that happen years later, and talking about consent.
When someone shares their experience of sexual assault, rape, or domestic violence, it may feel like opening up a wound, or it may feel like sharing a chapter from a book that happened long ago. There can be a whole range of emotions depending on where the person is in their healing journey. How it feels can also vary based on who they are sharing with and the context. There is no right or wrong way to feel.
It is up to a survivor to decide who to tell and when. Again, there is no right or wrong way. Some may reach out for help immediately to one, or to a few, or to many. Some may not speak about it for years. Some may share at one point and then never talk about it again. For some, this may be a conversation that they come back to again one day in future relationships. Some may find that it gets a little easier to share their story as time goes on. For some, it may feel just as overwhelming as the first time. There is no right or wrong way to feel. There is no set timeline.
There is however, a right way to respond. When someone shares their story, they are being vulnerable both with you and with themself. When the person is met with compassion and support, it can contribute to greater healing. When the person is met with doubt or victim blaming, those responses can be internalized. One of the best responses is “It’s not your fault. I believe you.”
Towards the end of the Grey’s episode, we see a survivor being brought to surgery by her doctors. When they enter the hallway, it is lined with women. No words are needed. The message is powerful. We are here to support you.
Scene from Grey’s Anatomy: Silent All These Years
It’s the showing up that matters the most. It’s the compassion. It’s the solidarity. It’s someone saying, “It’s not your fault. I believe you.” It’s knowing that we are not alone. When we are met with those things, our strength grows. It is in those moments and in those conversations that healing is happening.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. If you have been impacted by sexual violence and need support, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673). If you are in San Diego, call the Center for Community Solutions 888-385-4657. For more information, visit the RAINN website. Contact me to consult further on this topic or to schedule a therapy appointment.
You Are Not What Happened To You
“I feel like I’m damaged goods.” This statement and other similar statements can come from people who have experienced trauma. The trauma may have been a sexual assault or other crime, it may may have been a toxic relationship, it may have been a near death experience. Why so often do survivors believe these events leave them forever damaged?
Trauma does change us. Some of what it can impact includes how we think, the emotions that we feel, our behaviors, our physical response to stimulus, and more. This is a normal response to an event that has shook our world. In time, many will return to their previous (or similar) way of functioning. Some may do this naturally on their own and some find their way back with the support of others.
There are people who hold the belief that what happened to them has left them “damaged.” Trauma impacts our view of ourself and our place in the world. It’s not uncommon to have thoughts like “I’m bad”, “This was my fault,” or “I have no control.”
I think we like to believe that awful things can’t happen. When something awful does happy we try to figure out why. We want to know what we can do to make sure something awful never happens again to ourself or to loved ones. We start to come up with reasons and justifications like “If only I had…” The amount of victim blaming that we hear in society, especially around sexual violence, further compounds the blame that we place on ourselves.
Through the support of loved ones it is possible to begin changing the way we think about our trauma. When someone says to us “it’s not your fault” and “I’m here for you” it goes a long way. We no longer feel alone. Their statements of support start to counter the self blame statements that are in our head. The more we hear these statements of support the more we start to believe them.
Therapy can also help us to heal and to shift those negative thoughts about ourself. EMDR therapy helps the brain to process an event. Instead of having a negative thought about ourself we have a positive thought like “I’m good,” “It wasn’t my fault,” and “I have control.” IFS therapy helps us to release the negative energy, thoughts, and emotions about an event. Once that unburdening happens it invites us to take in other positive qualities like calm, confidence, connection, and courage. EMDR and IFS are two of the therapeutic approaches that can help individuals to heal from their past trauma.
Through support and therapy a person can reach a different understanding of the event(s) and the meaning can change. It no longer defines the person. It is part of their story but it’s a matter of pages and not the whole book. Experiencing trauma does not mean that a person is damaged. The person may change in some ways or their path may change. Life changes us in all sorts of ways.
“Yes I have been through awful things. It wasn’t my fault though. I’m strong. I’m going to do amazing things.” This type of statement and other similar statements have come from people that have worked through their trauma. I have heard these statements from clients in my office.
Are you ready to start your healing journey? Contact me to make a therapy appointment.
The Love Within
Happy Valentine’s Day! This day can bring up a range of emotions for many of us - excitement, sadness, numbness, anger, disappointment, tenderness, ambivalence and much more. This can change depending where we are in our life.
What I’ve come to realize over the years, is that how I experience this day (and relationships in general) is largely related to where I am in relationship with myself.
Many of us have core wounds related to lovability, worthiness, and/or our value. These wounds were often created early on in life. Maybe by a message we heard from a loved one, maybe it was the absence of a primary care giver (literally or due to mental health or substance use), maybe it was because of another early negative experience or trauma. That wound can be raw for a very long time. Sometimes we don’t even realize it’s there.
We often move through life trying not to acknowledge that wound. Sometimes we are trying to avoid it through distractions like overworking or binge watching our favorite shows. Sometimes we try to people please or try to be “perfect.” Sometimes we try to numb it through using food or other substances.
There are times we try to find something or someone outside to assure us that this fear we hold about ourself isn’t true. If I win that award… If I date this person… If I get that job… If that person loves me…
Sometimes this may help us short term. Eventually something changes. Then, we are again questioning our lovability, worthiness, or value.
There is another option though… What if we could give ourselves the love we deserve? Take some time to sit down, get to know ourselves better, get to know the different aspects of ourselves, and in time help heal those wounds. Then, we wouldn’t be needing someone or something from the outside to give those things to us. Then, when we meet another person we won’t have the same expectations. Yes we have standards, we have goals, and we have hopes for relationships. But how we feel about ourselves is no longer dependent on these outside factors.
I invite you to take some time today or over the next days to get to know yourself. Be curious about why you do all the things you do. Connect to the different aspects of yourself. Thank them for getting you to where you are today. Make a plan to spend time with them again. When you’re ready, set an intention to take steps towards healing any wounds that are there by participating in therapy. You deserve it.
Let this Valentine’s Day be a day you give yourself the love you deserve. If there are others in your life whether they be friends, family, partners, or pets that you want to send love to, take moments to do that too. When the love starts within, the rest is icing on the cake. Make the day one full of love, appreciation, joy, and connection.
“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”
Year End Review
Have you ever made a New Year’s Resolution? Have you ever seen it through? Maybe some of you strong willed and determined people have. However, some of us have likely made resolutions that have fallen to the the wayside by the end of January. Then maybe we got down on ourself or made an excuse like “new year’s resolutions are stupid.” I’m proposing something different this year. Do a year end review instead.
Get out your journal/computer/tablet/smartphone. It’s time to to reflect on the past year and to make a plan for next.
What were your favorite moments of 2018? Make a list of the things you enjoyed about this year. This is when you can get nostalgic. Maybe a trip you took, a memory with a loved one, or a book you enjoyed reading… list the good things that you want to remember.
What were your accomplishments? When we make resolutions we are often focus on what we wish we could do differently. I want you to take some time to recognize all the things that YOU DID DO. Maybe you had a milestone in your personal life or your career, maybe you set a personal record of some kind, maybe you took a class… give yourself some darn credit!
What were your challenges? Now it’s time to acknowledge what you didn’t do so well. Try not to be too hard on yourself. We all have things to list here. Life is about growth. Try to see if there are any themes that may relate to something you want to work on.
Make a SMART Goal (or a few) for 2019: One of the challenges about New Year’s Resolutions is that often we make grand goals with no plan on how to achieve them. Don’t make a resolution just because you think you should. That’s how we set ourselves up to not seeing them through. Use this graphic to help you format your goal(s).
This image was found on Pinterest. I love Pinterest. It says the graphic originally appeared in an article from ReignitingIt.
Yes I know this may feel like a self evaluation you’d do for your employer. When I worked in higher education, we had to set SMART goals for our performance reviews every year. To be honest, I often dreaded that time of year. Emotions were on high at the office. Probably because we were being evaluated by other people and that they sometimes had a different perspective on what we did well and not so well. Plus, it was tied to potential salary increases and money can bring up a lot. What I’m asking you to do here is different from that type of review. Here, you’re doing a self evaluation for your most important boss… You.
The goals you set for yourself and how you feel about yourself are most important. Our relationship with ourself sets the groundwork for our other relationships. Also, the only time we are going to change is if it’s change we are choosing for ourself. That’s when the change has a chance to last.
This year I’m asking you to sit down and really take a good look at the past year. Acknowledge all that went well and what you want to improve. Then make a plan. If you really want to take it to the next level, take that review out in June to see what kind of progress you have made so far. Adjust as needed. Stop setting unrealistic New Year’s Resolutions. This year, do a Year End Review instead. Then watch yourself grow.
“Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten”
Most Holidays Aren’t a Hallmark Movie: Tips for the Season
It’s the most wonderful time of year. Or is it an emotional and stressful time of year? Likely, it’s somewhere between the two.
If you are someone who struggles finding constant joy this season you are not alone. The holidays can be hard for a variety of reasons. It can feel like there’s pressure from society to have this picture perfect family holiday full of traditions and nothing but laughter and good times. You may feel like that is true for others but the reality of your life is different. There may be the thoughts like “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be ‘normal?’” Maybe your holidays are overall “ok” but… Maybe there are feelings of loneliness. Maybe you feel like something is missing. Maybe they’re stressful for other reasons.
There is no “normal” or “perfect.” We all need this reminder. Also, I can guarantee that there are other people having similar thoughts. In my years as a therapist (and all my years of being alive frankly), I have seen many people struggle this time of year. Heck, I’ve struggled at times. There can be an increase in mental health symptoms including anxiety and depression. There can be an increase in substance use or relapse for those in recovery. There can be an increase in interpersonal conflicts. So what can you do to get through the season?
Helpful Tips for the Holidays
Self Care - This is important year round and is especially important during the holidays. Schedules can get hectic with travel or holiday related events. Don’t neglect yourself. If you have found a routine of exercise, meditation, or other forms of self care try to keep this a priority. If you miss something one day, forgive yourself and get back on track.
Keep Your Boundaries - These could be boundaries with how you spend time or boundaries with individuals in your life. Keep the balance that works for you. Sometimes holidays mean being around people you don’t usually see. It could be family or other individuals that caused pain in the past. Identify people that can offer support if needed at events and people that will be there to reach out to after.
Sleep - Sometimes we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the season and sleep goes out the window. Sleep is key to our physical and mental wellbeing. If you get off schedule, give yourself time to get back on track.
Make Room for Your Feelings - Don’t try to eat or drink them away. These and other forms of numbing only “work” for a short time and they’ll still be there. Acknowledge your feelings. Be curious about them. You don’t have to put on a facade of constant joy because of the season. When we make room for our true feelings, we learn to ride the wave because they will change. Journal about them. Talk to someone about them. Most importantly, feel them.
Live in the Moment - Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the planning of events and gifts that before we know it we have missed enjoying being in the moment. Slow down. Breathe. Enjoy what’s happening in the now.
Practice Gratitude - Notice what it is you do enjoy and appreciate. Maybe it’s something about the season (ie weather, movies, music, events, peppermint mochas, or gingerbread). Maybe it’s something you value year round that you want to give extra acknowledgement to and thanks for. This actually helps build positive emotional pathways in the brain.
Take the Pressure Off Yourself - You don’t have to work so hard trying to create the perfect holiday for others. Give yourself permission to do what you want to do (within reason of course). If you don’t want to go to that holiday party, you don’t have to. If you can’t afford to give that expensive gift, don’t. Listen to your gut. You do you.
Make the Holidays Your Own - Someone else’s idea of a “magical” holiday season doesn’t need to be what yours is. If there are holiday events you want to attend, go for it. If you want to cook yourself an awesome meal, you can do that. If you want to go sit on the beach with your dog, that’s cool too. You can start your own traditions. You get to choose.
Connect - Sometimes we want to hide in our safety cocoons. That can be ok to some extent. Sometimes when we want to isolate, what would really be best for us is to connect. Find people to talk to. This may be friends or family. It may be professional support like a therapist. Talk to someone about what the holidays are like for you and how you are doing this season. You don’t have to go through it alone.
When we stop trying to make the holidays fit an ideal, we give ourselves permission to find enjoyment in what they really are. Again, your holiday can be whatever you want it to be. Take a few minutes and think about what you really would enjoy doing this time of year. Picture your ideal holiday. Make plans to do as many of those things as possible.
Remember, the stress of the holidays will pass. It is normal for emotions to fluctuate especially during the holiday season. There may be moments of stress, moments of joy, moments of tears, moments of laughter, and so much more.
Wherever you are in your life this season, take care of yourself. It’s both ok and normal if your holidays aren’t like a Hallmark Movie. Maybe they’re more like a prime time drama or a reality show on Bravo. Whatever the holiday season brings, know we’ll all muddle through somehow. 2019 is just around the corner.
If you need extra support do not hesitate to reach out. You can email me to schedule a therapy session. For 24/7 Support contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-TALK, San Diego Access & Crisis Line 888-724-7240, and the Crisis Text Line - Text CONNECT to 741741.
From Stuck to Breakthroughs: EMDR for the Business Professional
Have you ever felt stuck in your profession? Something holds you back from having the confidence to taking things to the next level. Maybe you are struggling to ask for that promotion or to make that sale. Maybe you struggle with owning your professional identity or with taking on new projects.
The events and relationships throughout our life shape us into who we are today. For better and worse.
Have you heard of EMDR? It’s an AMAZING form of therapy. I have seen professionals go from feeling completely frozen in some aspect of their work to gaining clarity and confidence.
Isn’t EMDR for trauma? Yes it is and that’s not all it can help with.
Have you ever had any of these thoughts? I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. I have to be perfect. I cannot get what I want. I cannot trust anyone. I’m a failure. I am not in control. I do not deserve…
We all have negative thoughts about ourselves from time to time. Sometimes all the time. These thoughts are contributing to us being stuck.
Through the use of EMDR we can explore what events and relationships in your life may have led to these different negative thoughts. Sometimes the connection is clear. Sometimes it may surprise us. Sometimes it’s a big event. Sometimes it’s something small. Sometimes those small things add up and impact us in a big way.
After we identify what contributed to these negative thoughts, we use EMDR to process the event. This will help to reduce the emotional response to the memory. The thoughts we have about ourself when we think of the event will also change.
After EMDR therapy, you could have thoughts like these: I am good enough. I am smart enough. I am good the way I am. I am strong. I can get what I want. I can choose who to trust. I can succeed. I have control. I deserve good things.
When we shift our thoughts and our emotions, our behaviors change. EMDR will help you to truly embody these beliefs. EMDR helps you get unstuck so that you can be fully grounded in the present with confidence.
Conquering your self doubts boosts internal confidence. When you feel confident, you act confident. People gravitate towards that energy. They want to succeed with that person.
You deserve that promotion. You will make that sale. You can take on that new project and do well. You are a talented business person. You can succeed. And you will…
Are you ready to see how EMDR can help you? Contact me to make an appointment.
Numbing the Pain
Tell me more about your pain. Where do you feel it in or around your body? What does the pain look like? How long has the pain been there? Can we get curious about it? What does it want you to know?
Some clients can go through these questions with a level of openness and imagination. Some clients may have a quick reaction of “Hell NO” when asked to explore their pain. They want to talk about what to do to make the pain stop. I’ve also heard everything in between the extremes. It can be uncomfortable to make room for emotions that we don’t like or don’t want to feel.
Many of us are experts at what helps us numb the pain. We distract with Netflix binges. We over compartmentalize and try to lock those boxes away where we can’t feel them. We over eat. We shop. We drink. We use drugs. We overwork. We daydream. There are endless ways that we shut down uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. We all have our go to’s. Some days these methods “work.” But sometimes what we are trying to do to cope with the pain ends up causing us more pain.
“The problem is… that you cannot selectively numb emotions… You can’t numb the hard feelings without numbing the other affect and emotions. When we numb those we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness, and then we are miserable and we’re looking for purpose and meaning. And then we feel vulnerable so we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.”
A question that I often ask my clients is “How’s that working for you?” Then we explore how it helps and how it doesn’t. Whether it’s using substances or other avoidance tactics there is always a reason why we do the things we do. At one time it worked. That reinforced the behavior. Chances are though that it’s not working so well anymore. That’s why you are reading this blog. That’s why you are thinking about making a change.
There are some ways we numb the pain that are “less harmful” than others. All methods have the potential to become harmful especially when done to an extreme. When we continue to do something in an effort to cope despite negative consequences we are entering the realm of addiction. When we start talking about addiction whether that be to a substance or a compulsive behavior we also start to talk about judgement. Judgement may come from ourselves or from others. Likely it is both.
Part of me wants to stop and part of me doesn’t. When we acknowledged the ambivalence the work can truly begin. Tell me more about the part of you that wants to stop. Tell me more about the addict part. There are things to be learned from both.
It’s “easy” to numb the pain. It’s more challenging to make room for it. It’s “easy” to judge our addict part and our “bad behaviors.” We all have a critic inside that has a lot to say about what we do. It’s more challenging to spend some time with that addict and that critic (and the many other parts we have). These parts have a lot to say. They have been doing their best to help us through life. They have been trying to protect us from that pain.
In order for any behavior change to be lasting we need to look at what is fueling the behavior. There’s a reason for it. Once we get to know the part that feels like this behavior is the only solution we can start to heal it. Then we can look at our pain and begin to heal that.
I want to invite you to take a look at the ways you numb your pain. Maybe there’s a part that looses itself in TV. Maybe there’s a part that likes to shop. Maybe there’s a part that uses substances. Let’s get curious about the part. How long has that part been around? Do you remember what was happening when it came into existence? What does it fear would happen if you didn’t do this?
Next the inner work begins. Healing is possible. Change is possible.
“The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.”
When the News Is Triggering: Self Care for Survivors
It has been an especially rough few weeks in the news when it comes to the topic of sexual assault. Several women have come forward accusing Supreme Court Nominee Kavanaugh of sexual assault. There are the ignorant statements in response to this from other political leaders including President Trump (someone who has also been accused of sexual assault). Then, there are the sexual abuse cases involving priests. Today, Bill Cosby was sentenced for 3-10 years for sexual assault. This was the sentence for the criminal case involving one of the women who came forward. For survivors of sexual assault and all those impacted by (and dedicated to preventing) these crimes - loved ones of survivors, advocates, educators, professional supports, and more - it can be both overwhelming and triggering to follow these events in the news.
Some days, it feels like you can’t keep your eyes away from the headlines. Then, even though you know you probably shouldn’t, you scroll down to the comments. That’s when the blood really starts to boil (at least for me). There is so much misinformation and a general lack of information out there regarding sexual violence and the impact of trauma on an individual. There’s so much victim blaming and minimization of these crimes. Some survivors choose not to watch the news at all in effort to protect themselves from being triggered. Some survivors may not be able to take their eyes off it. Maybe it’s a way to desensitize. Maybe they’re trying to understand other people’s perspectives. Maybe because they are looking for the comments of support from advocates and other survivors. Maybe they are wanting to leave comments themselves. However you are reacting to these events, it is important to practice self care.
Tips for Self Care:
Utilize Your Supports. Reach out to friends and other survivors. Reach out to local agencies and hotlines. Talk to a therapist. Process your thoughts on these events and what it may be bringing up for you. Know you are not alone.
Try Not to Personalize Comments. This can be VERY hard. Survivors may have a part of themselves that self blames or may have people in their lives that made statements that were victim blaming or judgmental. When reading these comments it can fire up those negative thoughts. These people who are making ignorant comments do not know you. They do not know your story. They likely don’t even know facts on the stories they are commenting on. Breathe. Scream if it helps you. Write a response if it helps. See Tip 1 and talk to your support system.
Find Balance in Information You Take In. In addition to the various news outlets, try to follow organizations that provide support to survivors. These include RAINN, Victims Rights Law Center, YWCA, and local rape crisis centers. They are also posting statements and articles in support of survivors. They are sharing important educational information in efforts to make people better informed. People are commenting words of support and compassion. Take those statements in.
Sweat It Out. Physical exercise is one of the best forms of self care. It is especially important for survivors. It helps you to get connected to your body. It helps you to feel physically strong. It can help to clear your mind. Put on those sneakers and go for a run or take a class. You will notice a difference.
Find Creative Outlets. Many people benefit from expressing their thoughts and emotions through art work, journaling, and music. Maybe you create these works yourself or maybe you enjoy appreciating others creations. Find what inspires you.
Identify What You Need to Heal. Healing isn’t always linear. What you needed when you first began this journey may be different from what you need now. Some find healing through sharing their story, some through a new form of therapy, some by taking legal action (i.e. with criminal or civil charges), some become advocates or educators, and much much more. What do you need to do for yourself at this time? It’s ok to try something new. How you heal may be different from others and that is ok. Take care of you.
Know your limit. There may be a point when you can no longer take in the news. Maybe you need to take a break. Maybe you need to walk away completely.
Know Times Are Changing. The previous administration was committed to improving prevention education and decreasing sexual violence (Obama’s Title IX Guidance). There are college campuses that provide bystander intervention and trainings on consent. Military provides these trainings as well. Some schools are starting these important conversations for youth at younger ages. The #MeToo movement is strong. People are coming forward with their stories. People are passionate about preventing this violence from continuing, about bringing perpetrators to justice, and about supporting survivors.
This week I found myself getting to a place of curiosity about and calmness towards the people who are making ignorant comments about sexual violence (between the moments of blood boiling). I wonder what they may have experienced and what messages they have received about these types of crimes. I reminded myself that it has not been that long that we have been talking more openly about these crimes and providing prevention education. Many of these individuals making statements do not know how to define sexual assault, rape, or consent. They haven’t learned about bystander intervention. They do not know how trauma impacts an individual. A lack of knowledge doesn’t excuse their ignorant and insensitive remarks. It does help me understand their perspective a bit more (I don’t agree, but I get where they’re coming from more).
I wish someone would do a presentation for our elected officials so that they would have this information. The Department of Justice’s Office of Violence Against Women comes to mind as a possible presenter because of the grant work I took part in on college campuses. Maybe then, politicians would have compassionate statements about those coming forward with their stories of sexual assault. Maybe then, they could make better informed decisions (for example, who has the values we want represented on the Supreme Court). If these elected officials could at least experience the trainings that are now mandated on many college campuses and by military branches they would likely learn a lot and their perspective could shift.
Who knows what headline we will see next and what statements will come from our political leaders. Times are changing, not as quickly as I would like, but they are changing. I encourage all survivors and people who care about this topic to take care of yourself. These stories in the news will keep coming. We all have an important role to play in how history is rewritten for survivors through our support, advocacy, and education. I have hope that things will get better. I hope that one day when I read an article about sexual assault accusations that the quotes from our leaders will consistently be a commitment to finding the truth and justice or a statement of compassion and in support of healing. A movement has started. #MeToo
If you have been impacted by sexual violence and need support call the National Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673). If you are in San Diego, call the Center for Community Solutions 888-385-4657.
I See You. I Care.
I find it interesting that after high profile suicides my newsfeed is often filled with posts from well meaning individuals with blanket statements along the lines of “If you need to talk, I’m here.” It makes sense. We want people to know they aren’t alone and that we are there for them. Unfortunately, putting that invitation out there may be futile when it comes to our friends who are suffering. These people may not be able to reach out and ask for help. One of the features of depression is isolation. That person may not have the strength to reach out in response to that post. They might not see that post.
What makes someone think about suicide? Imagine being physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted all the time. You feel alone. You just want the pain to end. It doesn’t feel like there is any other way to end it. You have lost hope.
It isn’t uncommon to think about suicide. It may start as a fleeting thought. Then that thought gets louder and more frequent. It gets so strong that the person starts to think of how to do it and maybe starts to prepare to act on those thoughts. Then maybe something happens that makes them want to carry that plan through. There are different risk levels of suicide ranging from passive thoughts to having a plan and intent. It doesn’t have to be a linear progression either.
Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US.
Every 12 minutes someone in the US takes their life.
On average there are 123 suicides per day.
For every completed suicide there are 25 attempts.
- AFSP.ORG data from 2016
Suicide is the most preventable cause of death. If it is known that someone is struggling and they are able to connect with support.
What can we do to stop this epidemic?
We need to not be afraid to have uncomfortable conversations. We need to make it ok to talk about mental health struggles and we need to make it ok to talk about suicide. Talking about it can be a protective factor. There can be relief in giving voice to the thoughts someone has been holding inside. Then, they don’t feel alone with the dark thoughts. If someone is struggling ask them - How are you? How dark does it get? Are you thinking about suicide?
We need to show up for each other and show that we care. If we know someone is struggling we need to be the ones to reach out to them. Send a text just to say you’re thinking about them. Make plans. Invite them to talk about what they’re going through if they want. Invite them to do something fun together to get their mind off things. Ask them how you can help support them. Tell them you think they’re awesome and that you care about them.
We need to give people hope. When someone is struggling they may not see an end to the darkness. Let them know that it will get better. It may not feel like it now, but it will get better. The only way to know that for sure is to stay around to see that sunrise. If you’ve struggled and came through to the other side (or know someone that has) share those stories of hope. Sometimes someone may struggle to believe in that hope. Let them know that’s ok if they aren’t there yet. Let them know you’ll believe for the both of you until they find their hope. Let them know you’ll be with them throughout their journey.
We need to connect people to support. Everyone deserves support. It may come in the form of therapy, support groups, online forums, spiritual guidance, and doctors, just to name a few. I believe everyone deserves therapy. Offer to go with them to their first appointment, if it will make them more comfortable. If they don’t connect immediately to the person they meet with, let them know it may take time to build a relationship. If it’s not a good fit, let them know it’s ok to try someone or something else. It’s important for people to feel comfortable with their support. Get support for yourself while you are supporting them. Get support for yourself anyways. Again, everyone deserves therapy.
What can you do when there is a high profile suicide instead of making a post inviting people to call you if they need anything? Make a post about hope. Send a message to your loved ones just to say hi, to let them know that you are thinking of them, and to let them know you care. Check in with loved ones that you know have been struggling to ask how they are doing, offer support, and let them know you care. Engage in dialogue about mental health to help decrease the stigma. Spread awareness about resources. Connect to resources. Go to therapy yourself. You deserve it! Let people know about your experiences and invite them to share about theirs.
What if we made it a point to do all of these things regularly? Why wait? There are many stories about people who were struggling that describe how on a dark day a smile or kind word from a friend or even a stranger made a difference. We don’t know what is going on in another person’s world. What if we made it a point to smile and be kind to each person we interact with?
I see you. I care.
According to the World Health Organization, 800,000 people die by suicide each year. That's one person every 40 seconds. World Suicide Prevention Day is Monday, September 10. Today, this week, and well into the future, we're asking you to fight with us. - TWLOHA
If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, know that there is hope. Reach out for 24/7 Support. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-TALK, San Diego Access & Crisis Line 888-724-7240, and the Crisis Text Line - Text CONNECT to 741741.
Survivors of Suicide Loss offers support to those who have lost loved ones to suicide.
You are not alone.
Reaction to 13 Reasons Why Season 2
Wow. That was intense.
This reaction blog is late to come. I finished the season well over a month ago. Summer has been busy and I also wanted time to digest. I don’t know how people binge watch this show. It doesn’t shy away from addressing heavy topics. Anytime I watched more than 2 episodes at once, I could really feel it. I was emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. I say this in effort to help normalize any reaction you may have had. Also, I want to encourage people to identify people you can process your reaction with. It can be a lot to hold on your own.
The second season of 13 Reasons Why shows us what happens to the characters after the tapes have been released. Again, I want to state for the record that I do not believe this show glamorizes suicide. Season two shows us the impact that this traumatic loss had on a community. It also reveals new sides of these characters that we didn’t know in season one. Some of what we learn includes relationships we didn’t know existed and secrets that were held. The actors once again did an amazing job bringing these characters to life. We begin to understand more about why they either did or did not do certain things. Everyone has a story.
There are so many reactions that I have to this season. I’m going to try to focus on three main areas: responding to suicide, sexual violence, and how communities care.
Responding to Suicide
The school made the decision to no longer discuss suicide after a second student makes an attempt. While I do not agree with that choice, I do understand why they felt they had to do that. There is fear of a contagion effect. The suicide of one person or multiple people can contribute to a rise in suicidal behavior in others. However, it’s more complex than that. There are variables we need to consider including: if/how was it reported by the media, what details are known and what are rumors, how was it discussed in the community, how was it discussed in the school, what is known about individuals who may be struggling at risk already, and what support resources are available.
There is still so much stigma out there regarding mental health, suicide, and substance use. There’s also a lot of misinformation and a lack of education. This school was not in a good position to respond to this tragedy. We saw in season 1 that the counselor didn’t know what questions to ask or how to respond when Hannah asked for help. The teacher didn’t know how to respond to a poem that was shared which clearly was about someone in pain. But not being prepared isn't an excuse. These high school students needed someone to talk to about what happened. They needed resources. The therapist & prevention educator in me saw so many red flags and missed opportunities both before and after Hannah’s death.
Sexual Violence and the Legal System
With polaroids as evidence we learn that Hannah was not the only victim of sexual violence. This season we learn that one character is a sexual predator. We see characters trying to bring him to justice. This is a big challenge. One of the difficult parts about bringing a sexual predator is that these criminal cases often depend on the victim being a witness in the case against their attacker. This can be re-traumatizing for the victim.
The students search to find someone who is willing to go on the stand and share their story of being raped. When they find potential victims/survivors/witnesses these women express hesitations about taking the stand. One changes her mind once she is up there. It can be an overwhelming and scary experience to go through the legal system. This is why many people choose not to. When one student corageously takes the stand and shares her story, the perpetrator barely get’s a slap on the wrist. The judge says something along the lines of not wanting to ruin two people’s lives because of choices they made. My blood boiled here. Unfortunately once again there is misinformation and lack of education. This leads to a lot of victim blaming. Schools are starting to educate more about consent and sexual violence prevention. I hope one day our legal system will also start to change.
How Communities Care
Season two showed how relationships changed after the tapes were released. Some relationships grew stronger and others grew apart. One of the things we learned from the tapes and the show is that you never really know what’s going on in someone else’s life. We don’t know the impact we have on the lives of other people. I appreciated seeing how some characters started to take care of one another in this season. If only more could have learned this lesson and applied it to more people. Then maybe we wouldn’t have the violence in the end of season 2.
This is the biggest lesson to be taken from this show - We need to care about each other. We need to do more. We need to ask more questions. Teachers, parents, professionals, friends… we need to reach out when we think someone may be struggling. We need to know the signs. I have seen people post comments saying "If you're struggling reach out. I'm here for you." The thing is sometimes people who are struggling can’t reach out. They need others to reach out to them.
“It has to get better. The way we treat each other and look out for each other. It has to get better somehow.”
13 Reasons Why Season Two did it again. It held a mirror up to show the deep, painful, struggles that people face. People every day are struggling with thoughts of suicide, depression, bullying, substance use, infidelity, secrets they keep from both themselves and others, and so much more. It’s intense when we see it all play out on TV with one group of students in one community. However, maybe that is more realistic than we realize. If we all stopped and took time to ask people in our lives how they are doing...if we really stopped to have a conversation and ask some tough questions, maybe then we would learn just how much people keep hidden.
There are people that say this show goes too far. Yes there are hard scenes to watch. The writers didn’t pull these types of events from thin air though. Assault, suicidal thought, substance use, and the other struggles depicted in this show happen more than we may realize. 13 Reasons Why has given us an opportunity to talk about these topics. Sometimes it can be easier to lead into a difficult conversation by talking about our reaction to fictional characters. I encourage you all to take the time to process your reactions with people you know. Then ask a follow up question. It might be something like this. “Have you or anyone you know gone through something like that.” You may be surprised at where the conversation goes. I hope that it is the first of many conversations. The key is to keep talking and keep caring.
Again, there is so much more I could say in response to season 2. I deliberately kept statements about events vague to not give spoilers to those who haven't seen it. Feel free to comment general reactions to the season here. I welcome to opportunity to talk more about specifics off line.
If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, know that there is hope. Reach out for 24/7 Support. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-TALK, San Diego Access & Crisis Line 888-724-7240, and the Crisis Text Line - Text CONNECT to 741741